gang rape on a wednesday afternoon....

it started off as just a regular day. i was off sick from work but feeling better so i decided to do a couple of errands before once again taking to the couch. little did i know.

well actually i had an inkling. i mean it's not like it was the first time.

the scene of the crime was a mr. lube in my neighborhood.

i got my oil changed.

now, this might not seem to you like an actual raping but i drove out of there thinking "wow....what the fuck just happened!?".

they always advertise those $30 oil changes but i'd love to meet the guy that actually got one. i pull in and of course they are all busy but i do get a free paper (that's how they lull you).

DING! ROUND ONE! says the carnival barker...let's start with one of the smaller ones!

i'm asked to decide what kind of oil i want, filter, blah blah blah. i go with the ones recommended by honda. doesn't hurt all that bad.

DING! ROUND TWO! the barker is looking a bit more excited as he calls for another participant.

i need new air filters apparently. 3 of them. who knew there were air filters in my glove box!? i feign indifference and pretend like i know what they are talking about. i mean the old ones do look filthy.....

DING! ROUND THREE! ok boys....lets get some size into this one! the barker is practically sweating with glee and anticipation.

things have been going well....they are yelling shit...i'm ignoring them....uh oh. here they come. oh fuck this is going to hurt.

my injectors are dirty.

fuck.

i don't even know what an injector is. does it need to be clean? do they wear out? are they even located in my engine?!

i drive my car. i take care of it. i put in the expensive gas cuz the manual said i had to. i get the oil changed before they car tells me it needs it. i try and pay attention. but let's face it...i don't have a fucking clue. i don't know where shit is, i don't know what it does. injectors? what the hell!?

great. so sure. let's clean 'em. i mean i've resisted the dripless oil rustproofing (sorry guy but i'm leasing and i don't care so back off!) but injectors sound serious.

fuck.

this all leads to me sitting in the mr. lube parking lot with my engine at 2000rpm for almost half an hour while some tube drips into my engine hoping to god this isn't some sort of punk'd stunt and fucking ashton kutcher isn't going to jump out and bust me.

DING! FINAL ROUND! the barker looks around...weighing/measuring his options...hey you! yeah you in the back...bring that big one up here and take a turn.....

$477. that's how much my "oil change" cost me.

now tell me that isn't rape! tell me that isn't a crime!

if i ever win the lottery i'm going to open a garage, overpay the staff and only service ignant folks like me who don't know what the hell an injector does.

oh, for a little "tip" i got a bottle of brake fluid.

what the hell am i supposed to do with that?! he looked all happy and furtive when he handed it over but i'm left wondering...do my brakes leak? am i near death? will i die in a huge pile up ball of fire if i don't check the brake fluid constantly and top it up from my little bottle?! where do i check the damn brake fluid? left out that little bit didn't ya you bastard!

i left just thankful i still felt like a man. well as much as i ever do.

the barker looks at the camera, raises one eyebrow into an evil leer and yells NEXT!